September 19, 2014

Do you ever wonder where you are? You wake up in the morning, and you're in a different bed, under a roof that isn't yours, and next to a person you didn't realize you knew? I'm not referencing a one night stand. I'm talking about how things move so quickly all at once, and you wake up one day to a different life. It's not a question of how you got there because you're completely full and conscious of how you ended up where you are. It's really the question: when? When did I stop being sixteen? When did I decide that Brandon was my life partner? When did I jump into this jumble of adulthood? Everything is unbelievably different.  There's a true difference between being an independent girl and an independent woman. I'm somewhere in between that, and it's such an intimidating place. It's a form of purgatory that holds you back from being the adult you think you can be and places you just above being a headstrong teenager that questions everything.
I guess life really is a teacher. You can't learn how to be self-sufficient from anything else.

Be beautiful, be strong, but most importantly, be good people.
-B

Expectations

What's going on? 

Everything is speeding up. Everyone wants to know the same thing: where are you going? College, full-time job, success, or even no where?

Where am I going? 

If you want the truth, I wish I was going no where. I wish I wasn't going to college. I wish I never had to work. Not because I'm lazy, but more because I'm afraid of facing that level of reality. Reality is growing up, and losing everything, even yourself. I have a hard enough time knowing who I am right now, let alone doing a whole new rediscovery.

Who am I? 

How does someone define themselves? Is it by their age? Do we change with time, or does time change with us? Is it by money? Are we the amount in our wallets or the amount in our mind? Do we ever really know? 

When do we know?

Do we know when we're 45, struggling, but some how living? Or maybe when we're 17 sitting in the drivers-seat realizing that we are no longer entirely dependent? Maybe it's when we realize that no one can tell us the answer anymore. Or possibly when we find that person we think is our other half. But you want to know what I really think it is? We never know. 

Why? 

We never know because everyone expects everyone else to know everything. We assume everyone is different. We assume everyone but our own person knows what's going on, where they're going, who they are, and when they figured it out. 

That's the crazy thing. No one knows, but everyone expects each other to know. 

We're all killing ourselves trying to meet expectations that are impossible. 

Life should be much simpler. It's not life that's hard, it's all the expectations. 

Be beautiful, be strong, but most importantly, be good people. 

-B.

The road to success is dirty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw-ko6aINI4
I recommend you go here first.

All life is really is a chase. A climb. A constant struggle. You start struggling from the very first second you are conceived. "Will you make it?" That's what they ask basically all of your life. You're always chasing something. Rarely do you reach what you chase. Sometimes, though, you do. And when you do, it's wild. For a split second you can stand there in this overwhelming accomplished pride. Then it starts all over again. You'll spend your whole life chasing that moment. You waste 70+ years on a split second.
And they say time is of the essence. Nothing's important when you get the chance to stand on solid ground after treading through sinking sand. Not time. Not anyone's feelings but your own. Selfish? No. Happy.





Be beautiful, be strong, but most importantly, be good people.
-B.

I'm definitely a big kid now.

I'm stuck. I'm wedged between a rock and an even harder place.
I'm sure we've all been there. We get to make this wonderful decision: Who am I going to make happy? Myself or everyone else?
I mean, I don't know what to do. I guess that's the glory in being human. We have the opportunity to make choices, but we rarely know what to do. Do I want apple pie or peach cobbler? This yellow shirt or this white one? Whatever. It doesn't matter what we choose, we can never choose both. It's always one or the other. Either way, something is always being sacrificed.
I think that's why I'm so indecisive. Decisions for some people are simple. First-nature.
Decisions for people like me? They're virtually impossible. Decisions are horrifying.
Anyways, I've brought myself to this fork in the road where I get to make a choice. I get to decide which road will bring me out a stronger person, a happier person, and back to normal. I'm only in the school I'm in because of my parents. Kids these days don't really know what it's like to be forced into something by their parents. Kids have no regard for their parents wishes for them. To most kids, their parents ideas are just dirt on the bottoms of their shoes. For me, it's totally different. I was raised to fear my parents and all their authority. They decide where I can go, when I can go, who I can go with, and every other minor detail. If I do anything without permission, I'm in more trouble than most other kids would be for doing the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. It's just that they're different. I don't have the same freedom most kids nowadays have.
Needless to say, they decided where I'd spend my high-school years at with no regard whatsoever to my feelings. I am honestly miserable at the school I attend. I can't just go to the Principal and be like, "Ayo, get me outta here." If I did, my parents would be livid. Why? Because I don't have the right to make that decision. They do. What they say goes.
That's where I'm stuck. Do I keep wearing myself thin at a place that is aging me prematurely or do I test the limits?
Yeah.
This is the fun part of life.

Be beautiful, be strong, but most importantly, be good people.
-B.

What am I doing?

When it comes to the future, everyone has a different idea as to how it is supposed to transpire. Is it something you're supposed to decide for yourself or is it a conditioned belief? Quite frankly, I have no clue what to think about it. My parents have told me how crucial it is to constantly be planning ahead because "every decision affects the rest of your life". The teachers I sit under tell me to take advantage of the time I have now to be a teenager. Is it a difference in political views? I just want the future to come easy and leave fast. The future has too much involved for me to figure out. Most importantly, though, is what am I going to spend the rest of my life doing?
Pick a job you love. Pick one that pays good. Make sure it isn't too demanding. Don't be a slacker. Choose a respectable career. Oh, and this is most important, choose a career you don't mind waking up and doing every day.
Cool, right? Because I guarentee there isn't one job I'd want to wake up every day and do.
I'm sixteen. I have 360 days left of my entire school career, and I have no clue what I'm doing afterward.


Is there any way I can buy more time? Let me know.

Be beautiful. Be strong. And most importantly, be good people.
-B.